🔗 Share this article

Commonplace Lavatory Laughs

Restroom comedy has traditionally served as the comfort zone of your Daily, and writers stay alert regarding memorable lavatory incidents and milestones, notably connected to soccer. Readers were entertained to discover that a prominent writer a well-known presenter possesses a urinal decorated with West Brom motifs in his house. Spare a thought for the Barnsley fan who interpreted the restroom somewhat too seriously, and was rescued from the vacant Barnsley ground post-napping in the lavatory during halftime of a 2015 loss by Fleetwood. “His footwear was missing and misplaced his cellphone and his hat,” elaborated a Barnsley fire station spokesperson. And who can forget when, at the height of his fame with Manchester City, the Italian striker entered a community college to access the restrooms during 2012. “His luxury car was stationed outside, before entering and requesting directions to the restrooms, then he went to the teachers’ staff room,” a pupil informed local Manchester media. “Subsequently he wandered through the school like he owned the place.”

The Toilet Resignation

Tuesday represents 25 years since Kevin Keegan stepped down from the England national team after a brief chat inside a lavatory booth together with Football Association official David Davies in the bowels of Wembley, subsequent to the memorable 1-0 setback against Germany in 2000 – the national team's concluding fixture at the legendary venue. As Davies recalls in his journal, FA Confidential, he had entered the sodden beleaguered England dressing room immediately after the match, discovering David Beckham crying and Tony Adams energized, the two stars urging for the suit to bring Keegan to his senses. Following Dietmar Hamann’s free-kick, Keegan walked slowly through the tunnel with a blank expression, and Davies discovered him collapsed – similar to his Anfield posture in 1996 – within the changing area's edge, saying quietly: “I'm done. I can't handle this.” Stopping Keegan, Davies worked frantically to save the circumstance.

“Where on earth could we find for confidential discussion?” recalled Davies. “The tunnel? Full of TV journalists. The changing area? Crowded with emotional footballers. The shower area? I was unable to have a crucial talk with the national coach while athletes jumped in the pool. Only one option presented itself. The lavatory booths. A crucial incident in the Three Lions' storied past occurred in the ancient loos of a venue scheduled for destruction. The coming demolition was almost tangible. Pulling Kevin into a stall, I closed the door after us. We stayed there, eye to eye. ‘My decision is final,’ Kevin declared. ‘I'm leaving. I'm not capable. I'll inform the media that I'm not adequate. I'm unable to energize the team. I can't extract the additional effort from these athletes that's required.’”

The Consequences

Consequently, Keegan quit, subsequently confessing he considered his period as Three Lions boss “empty”. The double Ballon d'Or recipient continued: “I had difficulty passing the hours. I found myself going and training the blind team, the deaf team, working with the ladies team. It’s a very difficult job.” Football in England has advanced considerably in the quarter of a century since. Regardless of improvement or decline, those stadium lavatories and those iconic towers are no longer present, whereas a German currently occupies in the dugout where Keegan once perched. The German's squad is viewed as one of the contenders for the upcoming Geopolitics World Cup: Three Lions supporters, appreciate this period. This particular anniversary from one of the Three Lions’ darkest days is a reminder that things were not always so comfortable.

Live Updates

Join Luke McLaughlin at 8pm BST for Women’s Bigger Cup updates from Arsenal 2-1 OL Lyonnes.

Today's Statement

“There we stood in a long row, clad merely in our briefs. We represented Europe's top officials, top sportspeople, examples, mature people, mothers and fathers, resilient characters with great integrity … but no one said anything. We scarcely made eye contact, our looks wavered slightly nervously while we were called forward two by two. There Collina inspected us completely with a chilly look. Silent and observant” – ex-international official Jonas Eriksson discloses the embarrassing processes match officials were formerly exposed to by former Uefa head of referees Pierluigi Collina.

Daily Football Correspondence

“What does a name matter? There exists a Dr Seuss poem named ‘Too Many Daves’. Has Blackpool experienced Excessive Steves? Steve Bruce, plus assistants Steve Agnew and Steve Clemence have been removed from their positions. Is this the termination of the Steve fascination? Not quite! Steve Banks and Steve Dobbie remain to oversee the primary team. Total Steve progression!” – John Myles

“Now you have loosened the purse strings and awarded some merch, I've chosen to type and offer a concise remark. Postecoglou mentions he initiated altercations on the school grounds with children he knew would beat him up. This masochistic tendency must account for his option to move to Nottingham Forest. As an enduring Tottenham follower I'll remain thankful for the second-year silverware but the only second-season trophy I can see him winning near the Trent River, if he remains that duration, is the second division and that would be quite a challenge {under the present owner” – Stewart McGuinness.|